I learned a lot of the importance of forgiving other during a breakfast meeting with Dr. Bruce Wilkinson, author of The Prayer of Jabez. When the conversation turned toward people who harbor unforgiveness in their hearts, Dr. Wilkinson asked me a bold question. “Jordan, is there anyone in your life you need to forgive?”

“No, I’m a pretty easygoing person,” I blurted, probably a bit too glibly. “I don’t hold any grudges.”

Dr. Wilkinson leaned back in his chair with a knowing look on his face. “I don’t believe you,” he said, placing his arms behind his head.

“Really, I don’t,” I insisted. “I’m fine.”

Dr. Wilkinson let that thought hang in the air, which gave me time reflect on what he said. The more I thought about it . . . “Yes, there have been some people who have hurt me,” I confided, “but I’ve moved on. I’ve forgiven them.”

“I don’t believe you,” Dr. Wilkinson declared.

Maybe he was right . . . there was that person who . . . and that other guy . . . “Okay, there are a couple of people. But I forgive them.”

“It’s not that simple,” Dr. Wilkinson asserted.

“Then how do I forgive somebody?”

“Here is a practical way I teach people how to forgive,” said Dr. Wilkinson. “A great way to forgive somebody is to take a white sheet of paper and write down the name of the person you need to forgive at the top. Ask the Lord to show you grievances that person has caused you, and then write down the things that person did to cause you pain. I can tell you from experience that once you start remembering those things, your emotions will rise to the surface, but that’s okay. That’s just a sign that you haven’t forgiven them yet.”

“What do I do after I’ve written these names down and what they did against me?” I wondered.

“Once your list is complete, you need to look at each person’s name and say, ‘I forgive you for . . .’ and say out loud what they did to hurt you. Then ask God to cleanse you of your past unforgiveness. By the time you’ve reached this step, you’ll be heading down the road to recovery. After you’ve completed your list, you should cut up the paper or burn it.”

Later, when I had a private moment, I contemplated who I should start with. Without shedding too much personal detail, I wrote down the names of a couple of doctors who told me that my illness was my fault. I moved on to the names of relatives and friends who said they would be there for me when I got sick, but I never heard from them again. Then there were names of mean people who had been especially critical of my books. Some roasted me in flaming posts on the Internet.

Bruce Wilkinson was right: there were more people than I would have thought. After I dealt with each person, I bowed my head and asked God to help me forgive these people just like He forgive me for my past sins. I prayed with a contrite heart, seeking His mercy and forgiveness. When I was done, I ripped up the paper into pieces and tossed it into the wastebasket of history.

Experts say that the first step to forgiving someone else involves taking responsibility for how you feel. Rather than rehashing your grievances—which is like falling down a rabbit hole—focus on what you’re grateful for and those you love as well their love for you. No matter how bad you’ve been hurt, unforgiveness will cause your health to suffer and, more importantly, will separate you from your heavenly Father. Always remember Matthew 6:14-15 (NKJV), which says, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Just because you forgive others doesn’t mean you’ll forget the pain they caused you. But if you truly forgive them, I’m confident that the next time you think of them, you’ll remember the day that you received victory.